The more I work on fund development, the more and more it really sinks in that I'm an InterVarsity staff worker, and this is what I'll need to get used to doing for the next indefinite number of years of my life.
And I say that as a neutral statement - it's not really a negative nor a positive thing for me right now - raising support just comes with the territory. I am fully aware that fund development for a full-time ministry is not easy. I don't know what to anticipate, but smooth-sailing and sunny skies are definitely not one of them. I understand that even at the beginning stages of this process, even if it feels a little difficult, a little out of my comfort zone...it's probably nothing compared to what may come in the future.
Unfortunately the expectation that the fund development process will be difficult doesn't protect me from the struggle of trying not to take some things personally. Building a support team puts me in a vulnerable place, and it frustrates me that I care so much about how people view me, or that I probably read too much into people's responses (or lack thereof).
Sometimes I can be super sensitive, and when people somehow manage to push those buttons of insecurity that remind me of my numerous inadequacies, I end up trying to make myself feel better and overcompensate for it by pridefully thinking I'm somehow special or better than those who don't show me any sign that they care about me or what I'm doing at all. By doing that I make it about myself, as if this is a popularity contest or means of measuring how much people actually care about me, or as if the success of this ministry rests on my shoulders and not on the God of the universe, who called me to partner with Him in the first place.
This fundraising part of the ministry can get lonesome at the most unexpected times, and it's difficult for me not to get caught up in thinking I need to try and please everyone to gain their approval. Raising support is about finding people who would like to partner with what God is doing and inviting them to come and see what He is going to do.
(Side note: it's also interesting to find that sometimes even people with the best intentions can be more discouraging than encouraging, or that the people you expect to show more support don't and the people you don't expect to, do. The irony astounds me)
I really thank all of you who have been genuinely supportive and excited so far (even throughout my decision-making process to come on staff as well) about what God is doing through me and are looking forward to see what He'll do through me on InterVarsity's staff, especially for those who have expressed their support beyond my initial contact with you. I haven't started on campus yet, so it's easy for people (myself included) to get caught up in thinking that looking for a support team during this summer is insignificant or unrelated to my upcoming work on campus, which is not true at all.
Praying and remembering my conversations with some of you have really kept me going during the lonely moments. God reminds me that I am His and that ultimately He - not any of my family, my friends, or my supporters - is the one I desire to lay my life down for, the one I find comfort in, the one who securely holds my identity and never lets go.
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