Processing the price of life.

I'm going to be honest, the passion for fighting human trafficking does not come as easily to me as it does to others I know.  Yes, learning about the situations and hearing the stories often make me queasy in the pit of my stomach.  Yes, I do care about the injustice and yes, I want to do things about it.  At the same time, I'm pretty sure God is not calling me to fight human trafficking as my life's work (at least not at this point in my life), so the hear-respond-process becomes a slow but steady process of growth.  As God constantly brings the issue up in my life, it causes me to learn how my lifestyle relates to human trafficking and how can I make decisions that will work against human trafficking and not contribute to it.  It takes time and discipline for me to peel away the layers of the complexity of the issue, orient myself as to where I stand, and then take the next step of faith forward in obedience to God's invitation.  Over time, the ignorance and apathy start to erode the way a river's steady stream of water polishes a rock in a river.

What does this have to do with college campus ministry, you may ask?  Well, I first learned about the issue of human trafficking when I was a college student.  Peers of mine helped me become aware of the injustice and helped me begin this journey of understanding justice and God, which forced me to re-think my actions, purchases, decisions, and how I was called to live my everyday life - not just while I was in college, but after I graduated as well.

Last week I was sent to New York City to help coach students as a staff for the Price of Life Campaign.  While it was a 12-day period, I was sent there, along with my other upstate colleagues, to help with the middle four days of raising awareness about human trafficking to college students all around the New York City area.

I didn't really know what to expect, but whatever it was, it ended up not being what I expected.  I found myself more often than not failing miserably to step into what I realize now were God's invitations for me to follow His lead.  I realize now that I had forgotten what it was like to faithfully follow my leaders' lead and with a joyful, servant's heart.  I had forgotten how God can advance His kingdom through seemingly menial tasks.  Even tying it to the heart of why I started this blog:  I often focused so much on busting rocks - the task itself - that I lost sight of the fact that we were building a cathedral.

But God, of course, moved despite my sub-par faithfulness.  Within a 2-week period, we got to witness 11,941 students engage in conversations around the issue of human trafficking; 5,000 students hear the gospel; and 260 students move from darkness to light, deciding to follow Jesus as Lord and Savior.

You know, I wish I could've led someone to Christ, or had this a-ha moment or awestruck experience with Christ during my time at Price of Life, but not everything ties up into a nice, pretty bow.  I guess I just get to realize that the Holy Spirit is washing over me, bringing my sinfulness and brokenness in the world to the surface.  Maybe He's bringing these things to my attention so that I have another opportunity to respond differently than I have been - to not settle or stay where it's comfortable, whatever that may look like.  And maybe I just need to trust that God's never-ending work and ever abundant love is changing me, even if you're not exactly sure how or what that looks like.

Counting the costs.

Believe it or not, InterVarsity staff workers, just like any missionary, can get discouraged.  And lately I've been discovering that when I am discouraged, it creates a vulnerable space where I pull out all the things I've sacrificed for this mission, list out each one before God, and complain to Him in this self-righteous, self-justifying tone, saying, "Look at everything I've given up to be here.  Why aren't things getting better?  Do you know how hard I'm working?"

It's terrible, I know.  But trust me, God's been pushing back.

There's a church that supports Nathan (which subsequently indirectly supports me) and hosts a missions weekend each year.  It's a whole affair where they work hard to invite all of the missionaries they support locally and globally together with the church to celebrate what God is doing.  It provides an opportunity for the church members to get to know the missionaries, learn about what God's doing through them, and for both church members and missionaries to encourage and exhort one another in roles we all have in Jesus' commission.  They have tons of food, activities, and even a whole flag ceremony.  Quite the shindig.

Well, it certainly was a notably encouraging experience for me.  People whom I had just met and barely knew wanted to talk to me and Nathan because they were curious about more specifics of what our job entailed or wanted to express genuine interest in praying for us specifically.  Others took the time to ask about what was going on and listen to the praises and struggles we were currently experiencing.  Still others went out of their way to make sure we knew that we could come to them for absolutely anything that we needed, whether it was specific prayer requests or ways to physically serve.  I felt so cared for and loved by these people who knew so little about me.  I was struck by the beauty of being connected through the body of Christ.

It was a message given by the keynote speaker for the weekend that particularly challenged me that weekend on a different note.  Norm Poehlke spoke about Matthew 13:44-46, which says:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

Norm unpacked verse 44, saying, "If finding treasure provokes a radical response and we have not made a radical response, then we have not found the treasure."  While this reminded me of the radical response I made in following Jesus to InterVarsity staff, it also reminded me that I found the treasure and that I needed to re-examine what that kingdom of heaven means to me now.

Then Norm continued, "So what's the pearl?  The Sunday School answer would be, 'Jesus,' right?"  We all chuckled.  "But that's not what the text says.  Jesus' death is not the pearl - it's the price he paid for the pearl."

It was as if God was saying to me, "I see everything you've given up.  I hear your cries and frustration.  But have you forgotten everything I've done for you?"

Finally, Norm left us with this challenge:  "Whose kingdom are we pursuing?  Are we saying, 'Jesus, come and sit on the throne of my life'?  Or are we answering Jesus' challenge to us to, 'Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me'?"

I think God has been saying, "Yes, Tammy, you've given up a lot of things to come and follow me.  But have you given up everything?  What are you still holding on to?"

Perfection vs. Excellence.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  While everyone, to some extent, desires for control over their whole life, I am definitely one who has a tendency to fight for more of that control than others, or at least get extremely frustrated and disappointed if things don't go the way I picture them.  Combine that with a deep desire to help everyone, please everyone, and a detail-oriented personality who loves to plan events, and I can easily become a mess of a crazy woman.  But after my college experience with God doing a lot of work in my life, I'd say I definitely am in a much better place now.

The week leading up to Vision Night last Friday was definitely a test of that progress, to say the least.  Even with months of planning ahead of time, we still ended up being short-staffed, miscommunicating, and changing things last minute.  And on top of that, I was experiencing other unexpected personal and ministry-related obligations.

There were many times where it would've been easy for me to get frustrated or worry, but I didn't.  And there were some moments where I regrettably gave in to the temptation.  But as I reflect on the night, God definitely met me where I was and reminded me that He was in control:

1. First of all, 122 students showed up from all over the Rochester Area.  We were expecting 100 as a max, though were probably realistically thinking it would be less.  Praise the Lord!
2. Five University of Rochester students came!  For a chapter plant that has been struggling to get students to commit and participate in activities, this was a huge success.  It was a joy to have them join in on what God was doing throughout the Rochester Area.
3. Overall, once the night got started, things went pretty smoothly.  There were no major hiccups or large schedule changes.
4. During one of my anxious moments (that I didn't really have to be anxious about), one of my own students was there to say that everything was going to be okay.  And it was.
5. Working on the poster boards and plans was fun.  It reminded me of how much I love being behind the scenes, developing creative spaces for people to encounter the living God and respond to the love, grace, and mercy God extends to us.  It also reminded me of how much I appreciated the staff workers who did the same for me as a student.

When I thought about this week I was reminded of a text I sent to one of my student leaders just a few weeks ago, which said, "Don't forget, we're striving for excellence, not perfection."  When I thought about the difference between the two, it seemed like it was a very fine line.  So how can I make sure I'm actually striving for excellence and not perfection?

Looking up the definitions of the two words seemed to clarify the differences:

per·fect

  [adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfectgentleman.

2.

excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: There is no perfect legal code. Theproportions of this temple are almost perfect.

3.

exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose: a perfect actor to play Mr.Micawber; a perfect saw for cutting out keyholes.

4.

entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.

5.

accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.

ex·cel·lent

  [ek-suh-luhnt]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

possessing outstanding quality or superior merit; remarkably good.

2.

Archaic. extraordinary; superior.

It seems like for perfection, they use words like 'ideal,' 'exact,' 'correct,' and 'flawless.'   There's a mold to fit with rules to abide by, and anything less than that falls short.  With excellence, it seems like you're shooting for 'above average,' and caring more about the quality than working towards exact dimensions.  It seems like for perfection, there's one answer, and one answer only; for excellence, there are many possibilities and room for growth.  With perfection, there's temptation to take extreme control over things out of your control; with excellence, there are opportunities to fail and learn.  There's bondage in perfection; there's freedom in excellence.

With that in mind, I think Vision Night was done excellently - it was an improvement from the year before, and there are ways we can increase the quality for next time.  And hopefully, I'll remember the difference between perfection and excellence in whatever ways I serve the Lord.

It's time to be strong and courageous.

I am not the kind of person you mistakenly label as a 'social butterfly.'  I tend to be quiet.  I usually prefer to process my thoughts inside my brain and be careful about the words I say before they come out of my mouth.  My energy tends to drain easily just by being around a bunch of people I don't know.  It's draining because meeting new people typically requires you to start with small talk, but I don't really care as much about the weather or what you studied or did for work today as I care about wanting to go deeper and learning your hopes, dreams, struggles, and opinions (which doesn't usually happen when you first meet someone).    

So when it comes to New Student Outreach events, where, as a staff worker, I'm trying to model for and mobilize my college students to reach out and talk to other college students who are new to campus and new to our group, you can imagine how difficult it may be for me.  A room full of strangers infested with small talk and the innate social demand for me to process my thoughts quickly so as to avoid awkward silences?  Not an ideal environment for me to thrive in.

But just as God and Moses and the Israelites call Joshua to be strong and courageous over and over and over again, God calls us to be strong and courageous to lead God's people into the kingdom of God.  God's mission is bigger than I or my discomfort could ever be.  

While I could have sat on the sidelines and leave all the mingling up to my students, I've pushed through my fears and discomfort and introduced myself to new people.  I've learned not to wait for the ideal opportunity - I need to ask for strength and courage from the Lord to take every opportunity I get and try to turn each one into the ideal.  I know that if I don't put myself out there to meet new people, then I am either denying myself the opportunity to partner with God in what He is doing in other people, and/or I'm denying other people the opportunity to hear about who Jesus is and why InterVarsity exists on campus.

So as the start of the year has been officially kicked off, I'm sure in addition to meeting new people, other fears and discomforts will surface when it comes to engaging in God's mission on campus or in my neighborhood.  But when it comes time to make a decision about how I will respond, the question I'm going to have to ask myself again and again will be:  am I going to let my fear and discomfort dictate my behavior, or will my faith in God's love and mission define the decisions on how I live my life?  

Nom nom nom com.

It was the middle of my sophomore year when InterVarsity's Nomination Committee (Nom Com) invited me to serve on our Binghamton chapter's Exec Board as the Administrator for the 2009 calendar year.  I almost thought they were crazy.  Me?  Serve on E-board?  I saw my sister serve on E-board and knew how intense and how much commitment it would be to serve on the team, considering they had meetings that lasted two hours every week and got together for days on end to plan during the winter break.  And Administrator?  Really?  I didn't even know what the Administrator did.

It was risky for me.  I came into college as a very burnt out freshman; I had a track record of not being able to say no to anything, and served or led in everything I wanted to do or felt like I should do and didn't know how to rest well.  I was tired of leading and was wary of jumping back in.

At the same time, I didn't feel like I was qualified - I didn't know what was expected of me, I didn't know what my role would look like, I didn't know if I could live up to it all.  But I soon found out that being a leader in InterVarsity was a matter of saying 'yes' to Jesus and being humbly open to learn whatever Jesus wanted to teach me.

It's been 3 years since I've served my last term on E-board, and I am where I am because I chose to say 'yes' to Jesus at that time.  My leadership, visions and decisions in life are all influenced by my experience serving on E-board.  It was a hard but refining process that allowed me to fall on my face, get back up, sacrifice everything I knew, and take risks beyond my understanding, but it is an experience that drew me into a deeper dependence on God and opened my eyes to ways I was blind, and I believe that it was worth it all.

Now, as a staff worker sitting on the other side of the leader selection process, I'm excited to see what God will do in the lives of these students who are willing to say 'yes' to Him.  It's exciting because what it boils down to is not simply what abilities, vision capacity, or leadership skills they have that qualifies them for leadership.  It's exciting because leadership is about how much these students are willing to learn and sacrifice in order to follow Jesus, serve and love like Jesus, and empower others for mission like Jesus.   

And it's particularly exciting for me because Jesus invites me to be a part of the process of what He's doing in and through them.   

Go deep and cast the net wide.

Luke 5 is following me everywhere.  Well, not quite everywhere I guess.  But it's enough to get my attention.

Last Sunday, during our leadership meeting, two graduating seniors (and previous exec team leaders) from our chapter led a short manuscript, inductive Bible study of Luke 5.  They had studied the passage with the thousands of others at Urbana this year and wanted to cast vision to the core members and leaders of the chapter to take risks for the sake of the gospel.

It was clear that in the same way Jesus was calling Simon to follow Him, Jesus was calling us as a chapter to "put out into the deep" and "let down our nets."  Casting fishing nets in the deep part of the lake in the morning after fishing all night and catching nothing?  Come on, Jesus, seriously?  Apparently, Jesus was being serious.  He was calling Simon the same way He is calling us now to take risks of faith for Christ even when it may seem ridiculous at times.  He was calling Simon the way He is calling us now to reach out even when we've come up empty before.  He was calling Simon the way He is calling us now to take action when we're tired and have already started washing our nets.

The questions that lingered with our chapter were:  what risks do we need to take?  What will it cost?  What do we need to leave behind?  Where do we need to cast our nets?

The questions weren't quite answered that night.  Maybe for some individuals, but not quite as a whole.  It was exciting, though, to see how the following Sunday's meeting began connecting those loose ends.  By using Tootsie roll candies as a visual for the students on campus that we are called to reach, a couple of our current Servant Team (exec team) leaders gave us a bigger picture and cast the vision for our spring quarter New Student Outreach (NSO) events.

This is it - this is where Jesus is calling us to put out into the deep and let down our nets.  Our RIT chapter needs to invite everyone - friends, professors, students they don't know - to NSO and follow up with them, not just so we could have a lot of people at our events, but so that we could invite them to meet this Jesus who has so transformed our lives.  We need to invite whoever we can because we don't know whom Jesus is inviting to say 'yes' to Him.  If we're expecting a 75% rejection rate, we need to sow more seeds.  We need to cast our nets wide.  We need to go where everything's a lot less familiar, a lot less comfortable, a lot more uncertain of the outcome.  We need to go to the deep.

The next day after the first leadership meeting where we studied the Luke 5 passage, I went to a nearby retreat center to spiritually re-calibrate my vocation with the Lord.  At the midpoint of my retreat when I sat down for lunch, there was a little calendar that had Bible verses and a little devotional thought for each day.  Lo and behold, here's what it said:

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.  But because you say so, I will let down the nets."  When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.  --Luke 5:5-6

We're tempted to haul in our nets, grumble, and go home until hearing the invitation, "head to deeper water and see what you can do there."

My, my.  How indeed the Lord calls us personally and communally into deeper water - inviting us to trust Him more and more.

Quarter system blues.

RIT currently works on the quarter system.  That means instead of 2 semesters of 15 weeks of classes, they have 4 quarters (summer is one quarter, so really 3 in a school year) of 10 weeks of classes.  It also means that instead of the typical 4-6 week break for winter between semesters, they only have one week-long break for the holidays.

I was in Ohio with Nathan visiting his family for the holidays, then went to St. Louis for Urbana, and went straight to NYC where I promptly remained sick before returning to Rochester and returning to campus that following week.  Unfortunately, I feel like I've made no progress and picked up right where I left off before the holiday break.

Last year at this time I enjoyed the January break from campus so that I would have some time to focus on planning, processing, and preparing for the second semester and get a head start.  It gave me a break from worrying about the day-to-day campus issues with individual students and the chapter as a whole to realign myself with God's vision and to prepare my heart and my mind to start fresh.

I've lost that break because of RIT's quarter system this year, and I'm feeling some of the consequences.  Things pile up in the blink of an eye, and it's a bit overwhelming.  It's especially disorienting for a person like me who thrives on planning ahead, takes a while to process things, and strives for excellence.

Next year, however, will be a whole different ball game.  Starting this Fall, RIT will be switching to the semester system, which will include the winter break in January.  I am certainly looking forward to it.

Urbana then and now.

Urbana 2009

At Urbana '09, I had no clue what to expect.  I had just finished the busiest school semester of my life, made some tough decisions about my priorities and responsibilities, and committed to another year of serving on the E-board of my InterVarsity chapter.  I was tired, I was nervous, but I was as ready as I could have been.

At Urbana '09, my mind was blown just by being there.  There's something amazing about being in the presence of thousands of other people attending Urbana who desire to see God's kingdom come to this earth.  The mission to make God's vision become a reality wasn't just for me, my chapter, or the other chapters in my region - it was for anyone who was willing to say 'yes' to Jesus.

At Urbana '09, I was a student.  I was figuring out what life could be like after graduation and where God was leading me next.  I was learning to be faithful with the things I had learned through my college experience thus far.  In being obedient in those small things, God would help lead me to whatever my future may be.

Urbana 2012

At Urbana '12, I knew what to expect...for the most part.  I had just finished my first fall season as a married woman living in the Rochester area and working a tough semester on RIT's campus.  I was excited to serve at Urbana and ready to go.

At Urbana '12, I was excited to serve the thousands of students who were being convicted and called, challenged and invited to take part in the work God is doing around the world and in their very own backyards.  I was looking forward to the stories that were to come - whether that would be a few days upon our return to campus, or even the many years down the line as students step into what it means to say 'yes' to  Jesus every day.

At Urbana '12, I was an InterVarsity staff worker.  I'm still figuring out what life could be like and where God is leading me next.  I missed a lot of sessions, Bible studies, and performances.  I missed a lot of opportunities to sit with my students in order to welcome late-comers registering, set up for a major join-in event, or count the very decisions students were making.  But I came to serve, not to be served.  I was fulfilling the roles I had so admired when I first came to Urbana as a student.  I am still learning to be faithful in the small things, and what it means to say 'yes' to Jesus' invitation.