Tree rings.

Being an Asian American woman on staff shapes my leadership and interactions with students on campus.  And as an Asian American on staff with InterVarsity, I have the unique opportunity to be a part of the Asian American Ministries (AAM) - a segment of InterVarsity's ministry and organization that seeks to reach more Asian American students with the gospel and empower them to become industry leaders and culture-shapers for the kingdom.  

Every 3 years, AAM hosts a conference for staff who are Asian American and/or serve Asian American chapters or chapters that are predominantly Asian American students.  I've only been to one other AAM staff conference, but I've learned that this conference holds value for these AAM staff in many different ways.   For some, it's a helpful context to gain vision and tools for reaching Asian American students.  For others, it's a helpful just to be among a community - a family - of people who understand your culture, your work, and how those tend to intersect.  And for others, it does both.

For me, I find the conference to be a helpful space and community to help me further explore my ethnic identity with Jesus and how this ethnic identity affects my staff work and my life in general.  I've found that there a lot to learn from the ways I do connect and the ways I don't connect with my fellow colleagues, but it is very much like family - you many not know each other well, you may not connect over everything, but we care about each other and challenge each other to grow.

This year's theme was called, "Flourish," to help us as staff expand our reach and extend our influence.  There are many things I could share from this conference, but if I could only choose one, it is this:  an invitation I sensed from the Lord was to consider how I could reach and empower the Asian American students all over the upstate part of NY to flourish.  I am currently the only Asian American woman InterVarsity staff in upstate NY, and while I don't feel like I have a ton of experience, wisdom, or influence right now, I firmly believe that just being on staff can be a huge beginning factor.  God can use my five loaves and two fish to multiply His work.  

A photo posted by Tammy B. (@tammyoncampus) on Mar 4, 2016 at 2:22pm PST

Now, as for what this would all look like, I have no idea.  But the Lord is with me, and I am confident in Him.

Planning unplanned things

One of my top priorities as InterVarsity staff is to help students meet Jesus.

The problem is, I don't always know how to to do that.  I myself am not Jesus, and I don't always do a great job of knowing what Jesus wants to say to a student in any given moment to be able to help facilitate that.

Or, you know, I'm a sinful person and my own sin can get in the way of recognizing God's invitations.

It can be tempting to get caught up in the training, and coaching, and leading and forget that they're all for the purpose of creating space for students to meet Jesus.

Students, too, can have a hard time spending time with Jesus or recognizing God's presence throughout their day.  It's easy to procrastinate, put too much on their plates, and then have a hard time managing all of the things, thinking that they're all more urgent than spending quality time with Jesus.

This past week, the Rochester Area InterVarsity Staff came together to create space for students to meet with Jesus.  We invited all of our students from our chapters to come to Geneseo to spend a couple of hours in the middle of their day on Saturday for a self-led retreat.  We set up a few stations centered around nine spiritual temperaments and provided them an inventory to help students recognize ways they may best engage with God, and have space to try a new way of engaging with God.  We also allocated a sanctuary with beautiful stained glass as a room for complete silence.  We gave them a retreat guide, but told them that they didn't have to use it.  Students brought their own lunch, and they had the option of eating their lunch in silence as a way of continuing to engage with God.

I didn't really know what to expect.  For me, it was freeing to be able to create a space that students could lead themselves through.  It was freeing to not have to teach something, or lead something, or plan exhaustive details.  I myself got to spend some quality time in silence with the Lord.  For students, it was freeing to dedicate some quality time to meet with the Lord in silence, while also doing it in community.

Praise the Lord for the way He meets us when we create space in our lives to hear from Him!

Leaders are Readers: Compelling People

Harry S. Truman said, "Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers."  This 'Leaders are Readers' series highlights books I read and my reflections on them to bolster my leadership learning as I serve students on campus.

Today's book is:  Compelling People - by John Neffinger & Matthew Kohut

Learn more about the basis/premise of the book here.

Introducing the concept of how we project strength (the root of respect) and warmth (the root of affection) was extremely helpful for me to learn. 

At first when I was reading, it seemed like I had so much against me with the hand I was dealt as a young Asian-American woman with a nurturing personality bent towards conflict-avoidance and empathy.  It also got very overwhelming in the middle to read about the meticulous and multitude of ways that strength and warmth can be imbalanced or mismanaged.  

However, overall I think it was good to become a little bit more familiar with the concept with excellent examples of what strength and warmth look like, so that I'm more aware of ways I could grow in managing my strength and warmth.  And even if I can't seem to adjust all of the possible imbalances all at once, I think it would be a great reference book for taking next steps. 

It was also encouraging as I read to see what aspects of strength and warmth I was already working on and aware of for myself.  For example, I've been trying to be conscious about how I dress when I go to campus.  I also try to create space to build off of my natural warmth for public speaking engagements, while work intentionally on communicating my confidence and authority to project strength.

Here are some questions I'm reflecting on now that I've finished the read:
1) I've been intentional and conscious of how I project warmth and strength when I'm speaking publicly - how am I doing so when I interact with students on campus on a regular basis?   

2) Am I aware of how my student leaders project strength and warmth?  How can I help them recognize areas they could learn to manage how they project strength and warmth better?

Why I'd recommend this read to you:
1) It's an overall easy read.  

2) I think familiarizing yourself with the concept can be extremely helpful for yourself or for those you may be leading or interacting with.  It can be an interesting spring board for discussion around how we judge others, as well.      

What I'd be aware of:
1) While it's easy to read, I thought the middle section, Playing the Hand, was really tedious.  It definitely slowed down my reading pace.

2) The chapters are long, but the sections are short.  Using the table of contents is helpful for future reference.

3) While it's an easy read and the sections are short, it sometimes felt like it was lacking.  I wanted to read more about tips or other practical next steps to improve how I manage my strength and warmth.

Regional Staff Training: 3 reasons why I'm going to miss it

In case you didn't know, I graduated...again.  

Instead of a degree, though, I got an InterVarsity branded laundry bag.  Maybe it sounds lame, but for someone whose job inevitably gets her massive amounts of t-shirts, it's actually very practical.  And practical gifts are great!

Anyway, Regional Staff Training is NY/NJ's training for new staff.  It's a 4 day training that happens twice a year, for 3 years.  I've really enjoyed this aspect of my job, so here are 3 reasons why I'm going to miss Regional Staff Training:

1. It was a reminder that my colleagues are just like me.  At the beginning of every training module, our cohort shared a significant incident (whether negative or positive) with the group and our reflections on it.  It was such a valuable practice that reminded us that we were not alone.  We struggle with similar struggles.  We understand each other's hardships of this ministry.  We experience the grace God pours out to us.  It helps dismantle any form competition or comparison that may build up when we're not together.

2. We learned side-by-side and from each other.  One of my favorite and most helpful parts of RST has been the workshopping element.  There were segments of training where we would share with each other some aspects of ministry and leadership that we were struggling with, and then helped by sharing some ideas of what to do or some best practices we had.  Sometimes you just need someone who's not your supervisor to give you feedback and ideas. 

3. It was really fun!  The NY/NJ staff are pretty fun people.  We like playing games, talking, eating, reading, having adventures, and spending time with each other.  We respect each others' need for alone time and encourage the value of play and rest.  What a great way to develop camaraderie and build relationships in a non-work context.  

We celebrated together, mourned together, learned together, and laughed together as peers and colleagues at Regional Staff Training.  Why wouldn't I miss it?

Post-Basileia Story: The gift of an image

It's been another hard year, but Basileia was so good and refreshing that I nearly forgot all about how hard it was.

One of the reasons is because of a significant moment for me during chapter time.  While I had been leading these sessions earlier in the week, I decided to step back and give control over to the new Servant Leadership Team (SLT, student exec board) to get some practice.  So I kept my mouth shut as much as I could and let them run with their ideas.  They started off by posing the question, "What does vision mean?" to the group for discussion.  Then Marian spoke up.

"Well, I like to think of vision as a picture of an island," she said, in her usual light-hearted manner.  She went on to explain how we are standing on an island, looking out and seeing another island across the water, and how it looks so beautiful and wonderful that we just can't stay on this island any longer - we must get in a boat and go to that other island.  Vision is the picture of getting to that other, better island.

via Unsplash

To you, it may seem silly or insignificant, but let me tell you a little bit about who Marian is.  Marian was one of the very first students I started working with when I switched campuses to RIT.  My official capacity began at Basileia the year Marian was one of my new student leaders.  It was a crazy year of learning about the campus culture and learning how to lead in the midst of that learning.

One of the ways I led was by teaching the new team what vision was and how it described the current state of the chapter.  The image I used was that of an island.  I said that some students were in the boat, ready to go to that wonderful island but just didn't know how, and some students were back on the shore, confused about why we needed to leave this perfectly good island in the first place.  I often exhorted the SLT to lead other students in such a way that invites more students to come on board the boat, and invites the students who are already on board to have greater clarity around the direction in which we're going.

It was such a distinct image for me that I even journaled about it.

So hearing Marian share about this image was a rattling moment for me in bringing the past 3 years of staff to the present.  It was a moment of experiencing God's presence, with Him saying, "I have been and still am doing a good work in you and through you."  It was a concrete, tangible way to hold on to Jesus in a time where not many of those moments come around.

What a gift from the Lord!

Washing students' feet.

John 13:1-6 The Message (MSG)

Washing His Disciples’ Feet

13 ^1-2 Just before the Passover Feast, Jesus knew that the time had come to leave this world to go to the Father. Having loved his dear companions, he continued to love them right to the end. It was suppertime. The Devil by now had Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot, firmly in his grip, all set for the betrayal.

^3-6 Jesus knew that the Father had put him in complete charge of everything, that he came from God and was on his way back to God. So he got up from the supper table, set aside his robe, and put on an apron. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of the disciples, drying them with his apron. When he got to Simon Peter, Peter said, “Master, you wash my feet?”

Earlier this week, I attended our Upstate Team Meetings, a semesterly spiritual formation retreat with the northern half of our NY/NJ region.  During one of the days there, we studied this passage (John 13) together. 

(Yes, it's the Message version.  You're not reading the link wrong.  A rare happenstance in InterVarsity, I know.  Don't worry, we still encountered the Lord.)

One of the big things that stood out to me was the fact that Jesus' identity and authority were not dependent on whether or not the disciples understood what he was saying or doing.  He knew His relationship to God and the authority He had been given to carry out His mission.

This didn't change when Peter clearly didn't understand what Jesus was doing, nor seemed patient enough to wait to understand later.  His identity and authority from God didn't change when Judas betrayed Him.  Jesus continued to love and serve them.  He pressed forward into the tension and confusion.  He didn't compromise his actions.  His authority didn't diminish with the disciples' comments or actions. 

This made me think about two things:

1. While I hunger for a deep sense of joy and compassion for this ministry at RIT, I wonder how much of my lack in those areas is tied to my belief that my authority is determined by how well people understand what I am doing.  It's a belief I know in my head isn't true, but I certainly act on it more than on the truth that my identity and spiritual authority come from Jesus.
   
2. What would it look like to 'wash the feet' of RIT students?  How can I serve them in such a way that would point them to the love of Jesus?

They are still things I am pondering over.  Would you pray with me as I continue to reflect on these thoughts and bring them to Jesus?

Awkward Jesus.

If I only ever did what was comfortable in my life, I'd never get past getting out of bed.  I like my bed.  It's extremely comfortable.  I rarely want to leave my cozy fluffy blanket and hunky husband in the morning, as much as I prefer mornings over evenings.

But I follow a Jesus who stood in the front lines of doing pretty uncomfortable things.  He invited not so special people to follow him that everyone else would have overlooked.  He shared meals with the unpopular, uncool, low-class people of his time.  He touched the untouchables.  He told people what to do, even though they hadn't met or interacted with each other before.  He broke the common cultural rules.  I mean, he even claimed to be the Messiah whom the Israelites have been waiting for for thousands of years?!

Talk about awkward.  I'm squirming in my seat just thinking about doing equivalent things today.

But if I claim to follow Jesus, then my actions need to reflect that belief.  That means talking to new people who don't know Jesus when I don't feel like it.  That means listening well and not getting defensive when students unhelpfully criticize our ministry.  That means confronting conflict, not avoiding it.  That means showing up on campus when I don't want to go.  That means being open and honest with students about how I'm doing and what I'm feeling when it would be easy to fake it.

Pray that RIT students and I wouldn't get stuck in the comfortable.

A staff worker's response to student complaints.

Okay, Tammy, here are some examples of issues students have brought up to you this week.  Let's work on how you should respond.  

'Tammy, InterVarsity is not feeding me spiritually.'
'Tammy, you're going to lose these people if you don't personally invite them to participate or involve them in what's going on.'
'Tammy, I don't think the leaders are doing a very good job.'

How to respond to criticisms from students:

Step #1:  Repeat after me:  do not take it personally.  Repeat that over and over and over in your head.  Just because they've said your name or they're talking specifically to you, doesn't necessarily mean you're to blame or that it's an issue you have to take on alone head on.

Step #2:  Listen carefully.  Ask clarifying questions.  Dig deeper to find the core value beneath the complaint. The fact that they're talking to you and bringing it up in the first place indicates that there's some kind of significance or truth. 

Step #3:  Find out what the student has done so far to try and address this complaint personally.  Remind them that they are InterVarsity, not you, the staff worker.  The community is only as good as those who are willing to do something about it. 

Step #4:  Pray.  Ask the Lord to fill you with compassion.  Thank Him for the students' honesty and willingness to come to you with their thoughts and feelings in the first place.  Ask the Lord to help you be mindful of these needs but not let them become burdens that prevent you from working towards bringing God's kingdom to campus.

Fresh perspective.

There are many ways I like to pray, but prayer walking is not one of them.

You'd think because of my sensory preferences of information gathering and tendency towards the kinesthetic learning style, that I'd enjoy it very much.  Walking, going, and being at the locations of sources of prayer seem like it'd spark a lot of creative and interesting ways to pray as opposed to sitting in a circle in a room with people holding hands.

And it's true.

I've discovered that it's prayer walking in groups that I don't like.  The prayer walks I've experienced in groups involved confusion around where to walk or which way to walk; the awkwardness of praying out loud so that the people you pass along the way give you strange looks; and not being able to hear someone's prayer, just for a few examples.

God finally nudged me hard enough to take a prayer walk on campus that I had been putting off all summer.

Fine, I said, but I'm going by myself.

And God replied, When did I say you had to go with anyone?  I simply said to go.

Oh.  I guess that's right.

So I went.

God's big nudge had come at a time where I was really frustrated with students for not doing things excellently, with myself for not being able to coach them or lead them well, and with the lack of fruit I was expecting and hoping to see after a few years of hard work.  I was at a breaking point, and knew I needed to do something to empty me of myself and be filled with compassion for RIT.

I committed an hour of my time on campus.  I simply wandered around a part of campus, stopping every once in a while to write down what I observed and what I heard.  Towards the end of that hour I used the contents of this list as springboards for prayer. 

I've only done this prayer walk once so far.  It wasn't an earth-shattering event, but it felt like it was groundbreaking for my hardening heart.  There were no evangelistic moments or divine appointments, but my obedience out of the desire to meet with the Lord created a shift in my posture.  There were no revelations or inspired images, but there were small, new discoveries of things I thought I knew.

Like bubble tea in The Market.  Or that there's a second floor of Global Village where the Study Abroad office is.

God's nudging was for me to do this on a weekly basis, so I'm hoping to get into the habit of spending an hour each week for this kind of prayer walk, exploring a different part of campus.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Confessions of a staff worker.

Honestly, I don't really like meeting new people.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I like people.  I love having good conversations and getting to know an individual's hopes, dreams, and learning about what makes them tick.

It's the approach and carrying on the conversation I often have issues with.

I don't like inserting myself into people's time and space.  I want to leave people well enough alone.  And I am perfectly content with being around a lot of wandering people without feeling the need to interact with them.  I don't want to be an interruption or burden or source of awkwardness for anyone.

Speaking of awkwardness, my fear of awkwardness is what tests my ability to sustain a conversation with someone.  I'm afraid we won't have anything in common for me to jump start our interaction, or that something I say will make the other person feel uncomfortable or trapped.  I'm afraid I won't know what question to ask next or what to do if the other person answers too briefly.

Also, I just want people to like me.  Who doesn't want people to like them?

That's what makes New Student Outreach (NSO) events so intimidating and draining for me.  I'd much rather just set up shop and wait for people to approach me.  Be there for people when they call.

But that's not how Jesus loved people.  He didn't stay in one place and wait for people to come to him - he left all that was comfortable and familiar and went to them.  He moved past potentially awkward situations.  He wasn't afraid to go deep really fast.  He crossed cultural boundaries.  He didn't lose focus from His purpose.  He boldly challenged others.  He invited people to join Him.  It was all worth it, to Him.  People in need are worth it to Him.  

So when NSO comes around, I work hard to step up and introduce myself to people despite my fears and discomfort.  I ask the Holy Spirit for courage.  I try really hard to be assertive but genuine at the same time.  I am reminded that not all of my attempts will bear fruit.  Rejection and failure should be expected.  But that doesn't mean I should let it paralyze me.

Meeting new students is not something that comes naturally to me, despite what some of my students may think.  It is something I discipline myself to do for the sake of the gospel.  God's love for me gives me the capacity to love others - even strangers.

It is tempting to be lazy or leave it to the "socially gifted" and "extroverts" of the group around me.  But we are all called to love God and love others, and that means we are all called to seek out the needs of others and to meet them where they are.

When it comes to loving people, Jesus always said, 'Go and do.'  When did he ever say, 'Sit and wait'?

Faithfulness, abundance, and generosity.

If there's one thing ministry partner development (MPD) through InterVarsity has taught me, it's that fund raising is not simply a money transaction, it's the opportunity to develop a relationship.

Raising funds was never really a big, scary thing for me.  I think that's probably really strange to most people, particularly as an Asian American woman.  But when I think about the kind of environment I grew up in and how I responded to my circumstances, it makes sense. 

My dad was a pastor of a small English congregation in a Chinese Alliance church for the first 10 or so years of my life, and then went full time into directing a non-profit para-church organization, continuing to this day.  My mom was a stay at home mom (which I loved and am so grateful for), and so my family didn't exactly have a stable income or the nicest of things.

But in the midst of how different my family's lifestyle seemed to be in comparison to others, we never had to worry - we always had just what we needed and then some.  We swam in a vast ocean deep with grace, generosity, and provisions every single day.

God often expressed His faithfulness, abundance, and generosity in our family through the love of my parents and my community. Whether it was through tangible materials, opened homes, or the occasional unique life experience, it was all rooted in relationships our family had with others.

Now that I think about it, I don't think it's a big surprise that ministry partnership is not just about transacting funds.  The primary ways I've experienced and witnessed God's faithfulness, abundance, and generosity has been through the context of relationships with others.  In fact, I would even say that the very foundations of my childhood are based on them.

I guess as a child I was more often at the receiving end of what these beautiful relationships between my family and others developed.  Now as a staff with InterVarsity, I'm learning how to develop, cultivate, and deepen my own relationships so that I may learn how to extend that same faithfulness, abundance, and generosity from the Lord to others.

Who will go?

As someone who has grown up in a Christian family, there's often a temptation to let certain verses or passages from the Bible that I've heard so many times to just slide over me like the way water slides over a dolphin's skin.

Sometimes I need to ask the Holy Spirit to help me fight that temptation and be intentional about re-examining, meditating on, or letting sink in what this specific part of His Word means for me in this season of life.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just lets it hit me like a ton of bricks; it often hurts.  Other times, it's a gentle light bulb turning on that connects my heart and my mind.

Jesus says to his disciples, "Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest" (John 4:35).

via

I've heard this verse, and the phrase, "The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few," many times in my life, but there's something about hearing it recently that has really stuck with me and started to sink in a bit more than before.

Our Regional Director sends everyone stories of what God is doing among campuses around the NY/NJ region, and that's mainly where this repetition of "The fields are ready for harvest," has come up.  And God has been using this word and these stories in a number of ways to challenge me:

Celebrate with my colleagues.  Maybe you don't really have this issue, but I realize that when I'm not trusting Jesus and am placing my identity in my work rather than God Himself, it's easy to be insecure, envious, or jealous of the fruit my colleagues are seeing in their students and among their campuses.  Over time, with intentionality, and empowered by the Holy Spirit, I've been challenged over and over again to trust and obey Him and place my identity in Him, not solely in the work I produce.  When I do so, I can experience the deep freedom and genuine joy of celebrating with my colleagues the fruit God has graciously given us the opportunity to partake in and witness.

Healthy discontentment.  That being said, instead of feeling resentment that I am not seeing the kind of fruit my co-workers are seeing, these stories and reminders that the harvest is plentiful create a desire for me to keep pushing forward and build upon a confidence that God is working on RIT's campus.  We cannot stay where we are.  

A sense of urgency.  I don't know about you, but when I hear, 'Lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest,' I don't hear Jesus saying, 'Hey, the fields are ripe!  That means it's time for you to kick back in your lounge chair and wear a pair of shades.  Here, have an exotic drink with a paper umbrella in it.  Just sit back and get ready to watch all of these ripe fruit pick themselves while you relax and be as comfortable as possible.'  I don't hear Jesus saying, 'You're right - let's keep this scarcity mentality until something worthwhile happens; there's no immediate work to be done, so you can wait a few months until all of the circumstances are perfect and your life is in order.'

I hear Jesus saying, 'There is more than enough fruit ready and they're ready now.  What are you waiting for?  The question is not When? or How? but Who?  Who will go, right here, right now, just as they are?  Will you?'

Witnessing communities love like Jesus.

"Being loved by Jesus makes you love like Jesus." --Brent Campbell, Staff Conference 2014

That's what I want to see happen on campus - students loving others on campus, in their families, among their communities, because of the love that Jesus has for them.

Processing the price of life.

I'm going to be honest, the passion for fighting human trafficking does not come as easily to me as it does to others I know.  Yes, learning about the situations and hearing the stories often make me queasy in the pit of my stomach.  Yes, I do care about the injustice and yes, I want to do things about it.  At the same time, I'm pretty sure God is not calling me to fight human trafficking as my life's work (at least not at this point in my life), so the hear-respond-process becomes a slow but steady process of growth.  As God constantly brings the issue up in my life, it causes me to learn how my lifestyle relates to human trafficking and how can I make decisions that will work against human trafficking and not contribute to it.  It takes time and discipline for me to peel away the layers of the complexity of the issue, orient myself as to where I stand, and then take the next step of faith forward in obedience to God's invitation.  Over time, the ignorance and apathy start to erode the way a river's steady stream of water polishes a rock in a river.

What does this have to do with college campus ministry, you may ask?  Well, I first learned about the issue of human trafficking when I was a college student.  Peers of mine helped me become aware of the injustice and helped me begin this journey of understanding justice and God, which forced me to re-think my actions, purchases, decisions, and how I was called to live my everyday life - not just while I was in college, but after I graduated as well.

Last week I was sent to New York City to help coach students as a staff for the Price of Life Campaign.  While it was a 12-day period, I was sent there, along with my other upstate colleagues, to help with the middle four days of raising awareness about human trafficking to college students all around the New York City area.

I didn't really know what to expect, but whatever it was, it ended up not being what I expected.  I found myself more often than not failing miserably to step into what I realize now were God's invitations for me to follow His lead.  I realize now that I had forgotten what it was like to faithfully follow my leaders' lead and with a joyful, servant's heart.  I had forgotten how God can advance His kingdom through seemingly menial tasks.  Even tying it to the heart of why I started this blog:  I often focused so much on busting rocks - the task itself - that I lost sight of the fact that we were building a cathedral.

But God, of course, moved despite my sub-par faithfulness.  Within a 2-week period, we got to witness 11,941 students engage in conversations around the issue of human trafficking; 5,000 students hear the gospel; and 260 students move from darkness to light, deciding to follow Jesus as Lord and Savior.

You know, I wish I could've led someone to Christ, or had this a-ha moment or awestruck experience with Christ during my time at Price of Life, but not everything ties up into a nice, pretty bow.  I guess I just get to realize that the Holy Spirit is washing over me, bringing my sinfulness and brokenness in the world to the surface.  Maybe He's bringing these things to my attention so that I have another opportunity to respond differently than I have been - to not settle or stay where it's comfortable, whatever that may look like.  And maybe I just need to trust that God's never-ending work and ever abundant love is changing me, even if you're not exactly sure how or what that looks like.

Perfection vs. Excellence.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  While everyone, to some extent, desires for control over their whole life, I am definitely one who has a tendency to fight for more of that control than others, or at least get extremely frustrated and disappointed if things don't go the way I picture them.  Combine that with a deep desire to help everyone, please everyone, and a detail-oriented personality who loves to plan events, and I can easily become a mess of a crazy woman.  But after my college experience with God doing a lot of work in my life, I'd say I definitely am in a much better place now.

The week leading up to Vision Night last Friday was definitely a test of that progress, to say the least.  Even with months of planning ahead of time, we still ended up being short-staffed, miscommunicating, and changing things last minute.  And on top of that, I was experiencing other unexpected personal and ministry-related obligations.

There were many times where it would've been easy for me to get frustrated or worry, but I didn't.  And there were some moments where I regrettably gave in to the temptation.  But as I reflect on the night, God definitely met me where I was and reminded me that He was in control:

1. First of all, 122 students showed up from all over the Rochester Area.  We were expecting 100 as a max, though were probably realistically thinking it would be less.  Praise the Lord!
2. Five University of Rochester students came!  For a chapter plant that has been struggling to get students to commit and participate in activities, this was a huge success.  It was a joy to have them join in on what God was doing throughout the Rochester Area.
3. Overall, once the night got started, things went pretty smoothly.  There were no major hiccups or large schedule changes.
4. During one of my anxious moments (that I didn't really have to be anxious about), one of my own students was there to say that everything was going to be okay.  And it was.
5. Working on the poster boards and plans was fun.  It reminded me of how much I love being behind the scenes, developing creative spaces for people to encounter the living God and respond to the love, grace, and mercy God extends to us.  It also reminded me of how much I appreciated the staff workers who did the same for me as a student.

When I thought about this week I was reminded of a text I sent to one of my student leaders just a few weeks ago, which said, "Don't forget, we're striving for excellence, not perfection."  When I thought about the difference between the two, it seemed like it was a very fine line.  So how can I make sure I'm actually striving for excellence and not perfection?

Looking up the definitions of the two words seemed to clarify the differences:

per·fect

  [adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfectgentleman.

2.

excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: There is no perfect legal code. Theproportions of this temple are almost perfect.

3.

exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose: a perfect actor to play Mr.Micawber; a perfect saw for cutting out keyholes.

4.

entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.

5.

accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.

ex·cel·lent

  [ek-suh-luhnt]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

possessing outstanding quality or superior merit; remarkably good.

2.

Archaic. extraordinary; superior.

It seems like for perfection, they use words like 'ideal,' 'exact,' 'correct,' and 'flawless.'   There's a mold to fit with rules to abide by, and anything less than that falls short.  With excellence, it seems like you're shooting for 'above average,' and caring more about the quality than working towards exact dimensions.  It seems like for perfection, there's one answer, and one answer only; for excellence, there are many possibilities and room for growth.  With perfection, there's temptation to take extreme control over things out of your control; with excellence, there are opportunities to fail and learn.  There's bondage in perfection; there's freedom in excellence.

With that in mind, I think Vision Night was done excellently - it was an improvement from the year before, and there are ways we can increase the quality for next time.  And hopefully, I'll remember the difference between perfection and excellence in whatever ways I serve the Lord.

It's time to be strong and courageous.

I am not the kind of person you mistakenly label as a 'social butterfly.'  I tend to be quiet.  I usually prefer to process my thoughts inside my brain and be careful about the words I say before they come out of my mouth.  My energy tends to drain easily just by being around a bunch of people I don't know.  It's draining because meeting new people typically requires you to start with small talk, but I don't really care as much about the weather or what you studied or did for work today as I care about wanting to go deeper and learning your hopes, dreams, struggles, and opinions (which doesn't usually happen when you first meet someone).    

So when it comes to New Student Outreach events, where, as a staff worker, I'm trying to model for and mobilize my college students to reach out and talk to other college students who are new to campus and new to our group, you can imagine how difficult it may be for me.  A room full of strangers infested with small talk and the innate social demand for me to process my thoughts quickly so as to avoid awkward silences?  Not an ideal environment for me to thrive in.

But just as God and Moses and the Israelites call Joshua to be strong and courageous over and over and over again, God calls us to be strong and courageous to lead God's people into the kingdom of God.  God's mission is bigger than I or my discomfort could ever be.  

While I could have sat on the sidelines and leave all the mingling up to my students, I've pushed through my fears and discomfort and introduced myself to new people.  I've learned not to wait for the ideal opportunity - I need to ask for strength and courage from the Lord to take every opportunity I get and try to turn each one into the ideal.  I know that if I don't put myself out there to meet new people, then I am either denying myself the opportunity to partner with God in what He is doing in other people, and/or I'm denying other people the opportunity to hear about who Jesus is and why InterVarsity exists on campus.

So as the start of the year has been officially kicked off, I'm sure in addition to meeting new people, other fears and discomforts will surface when it comes to engaging in God's mission on campus or in my neighborhood.  But when it comes time to make a decision about how I will respond, the question I'm going to have to ask myself again and again will be:  am I going to let my fear and discomfort dictate my behavior, or will my faith in God's love and mission define the decisions on how I live my life?  

Nom nom nom com.

It was the middle of my sophomore year when InterVarsity's Nomination Committee (Nom Com) invited me to serve on our Binghamton chapter's Exec Board as the Administrator for the 2009 calendar year.  I almost thought they were crazy.  Me?  Serve on E-board?  I saw my sister serve on E-board and knew how intense and how much commitment it would be to serve on the team, considering they had meetings that lasted two hours every week and got together for days on end to plan during the winter break.  And Administrator?  Really?  I didn't even know what the Administrator did.

It was risky for me.  I came into college as a very burnt out freshman; I had a track record of not being able to say no to anything, and served or led in everything I wanted to do or felt like I should do and didn't know how to rest well.  I was tired of leading and was wary of jumping back in.

At the same time, I didn't feel like I was qualified - I didn't know what was expected of me, I didn't know what my role would look like, I didn't know if I could live up to it all.  But I soon found out that being a leader in InterVarsity was a matter of saying 'yes' to Jesus and being humbly open to learn whatever Jesus wanted to teach me.

It's been 3 years since I've served my last term on E-board, and I am where I am because I chose to say 'yes' to Jesus at that time.  My leadership, visions and decisions in life are all influenced by my experience serving on E-board.  It was a hard but refining process that allowed me to fall on my face, get back up, sacrifice everything I knew, and take risks beyond my understanding, but it is an experience that drew me into a deeper dependence on God and opened my eyes to ways I was blind, and I believe that it was worth it all.

Now, as a staff worker sitting on the other side of the leader selection process, I'm excited to see what God will do in the lives of these students who are willing to say 'yes' to Him.  It's exciting because what it boils down to is not simply what abilities, vision capacity, or leadership skills they have that qualifies them for leadership.  It's exciting because leadership is about how much these students are willing to learn and sacrifice in order to follow Jesus, serve and love like Jesus, and empower others for mission like Jesus.   

And it's particularly exciting for me because Jesus invites me to be a part of the process of what He's doing in and through them.   

Go deep and cast the net wide.

Luke 5 is following me everywhere.  Well, not quite everywhere I guess.  But it's enough to get my attention.

Last Sunday, during our leadership meeting, two graduating seniors (and previous exec team leaders) from our chapter led a short manuscript, inductive Bible study of Luke 5.  They had studied the passage with the thousands of others at Urbana this year and wanted to cast vision to the core members and leaders of the chapter to take risks for the sake of the gospel.

It was clear that in the same way Jesus was calling Simon to follow Him, Jesus was calling us as a chapter to "put out into the deep" and "let down our nets."  Casting fishing nets in the deep part of the lake in the morning after fishing all night and catching nothing?  Come on, Jesus, seriously?  Apparently, Jesus was being serious.  He was calling Simon the same way He is calling us now to take risks of faith for Christ even when it may seem ridiculous at times.  He was calling Simon the way He is calling us now to reach out even when we've come up empty before.  He was calling Simon the way He is calling us now to take action when we're tired and have already started washing our nets.

The questions that lingered with our chapter were:  what risks do we need to take?  What will it cost?  What do we need to leave behind?  Where do we need to cast our nets?

The questions weren't quite answered that night.  Maybe for some individuals, but not quite as a whole.  It was exciting, though, to see how the following Sunday's meeting began connecting those loose ends.  By using Tootsie roll candies as a visual for the students on campus that we are called to reach, a couple of our current Servant Team (exec team) leaders gave us a bigger picture and cast the vision for our spring quarter New Student Outreach (NSO) events.

This is it - this is where Jesus is calling us to put out into the deep and let down our nets.  Our RIT chapter needs to invite everyone - friends, professors, students they don't know - to NSO and follow up with them, not just so we could have a lot of people at our events, but so that we could invite them to meet this Jesus who has so transformed our lives.  We need to invite whoever we can because we don't know whom Jesus is inviting to say 'yes' to Him.  If we're expecting a 75% rejection rate, we need to sow more seeds.  We need to cast our nets wide.  We need to go where everything's a lot less familiar, a lot less comfortable, a lot more uncertain of the outcome.  We need to go to the deep.

The next day after the first leadership meeting where we studied the Luke 5 passage, I went to a nearby retreat center to spiritually re-calibrate my vocation with the Lord.  At the midpoint of my retreat when I sat down for lunch, there was a little calendar that had Bible verses and a little devotional thought for each day.  Lo and behold, here's what it said:

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.  But because you say so, I will let down the nets."  When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.  --Luke 5:5-6

We're tempted to haul in our nets, grumble, and go home until hearing the invitation, "head to deeper water and see what you can do there."

My, my.  How indeed the Lord calls us personally and communally into deeper water - inviting us to trust Him more and more.

Quarter system blues.

RIT currently works on the quarter system.  That means instead of 2 semesters of 15 weeks of classes, they have 4 quarters (summer is one quarter, so really 3 in a school year) of 10 weeks of classes.  It also means that instead of the typical 4-6 week break for winter between semesters, they only have one week-long break for the holidays.

I was in Ohio with Nathan visiting his family for the holidays, then went to St. Louis for Urbana, and went straight to NYC where I promptly remained sick before returning to Rochester and returning to campus that following week.  Unfortunately, I feel like I've made no progress and picked up right where I left off before the holiday break.

Last year at this time I enjoyed the January break from campus so that I would have some time to focus on planning, processing, and preparing for the second semester and get a head start.  It gave me a break from worrying about the day-to-day campus issues with individual students and the chapter as a whole to realign myself with God's vision and to prepare my heart and my mind to start fresh.

I've lost that break because of RIT's quarter system this year, and I'm feeling some of the consequences.  Things pile up in the blink of an eye, and it's a bit overwhelming.  It's especially disorienting for a person like me who thrives on planning ahead, takes a while to process things, and strives for excellence.

Next year, however, will be a whole different ball game.  Starting this Fall, RIT will be switching to the semester system, which will include the winter break in January.  I am certainly looking forward to it.

Striking the flint rock.

When I thought about how I'm doing recently in this season of ministry, I thought of a quote from the movie, It's a Wonderful Life:

Clarence:  You sent for me, sir?
Senior Angel:  Yes, Clarence.  A man down on earth needs our help.
Clarence:  Splendid.  Is he sick?
Senior Angel:  No, worse.  He's discouraged.

I'm going to be honest, I think I subconsciously try everything I can to beat around the bush of admitting that I'm discouraged.  That's probably because my temperament likes to lean towards the image of having it all together and being super positive all the time.  It's also probably because I know the truth in my head:  I have a God who is stronger and greater than any obstacles or issues I may face.  How can I be discouraged if our God is for us?  What can ever stop us or stand against, right?  That's how the psalms and songs go.

Also, it's bothersome that my attitude tends to bend with the weather.  I find that it can sometimes be harder to see the exciting things God is up to through the pelting sheets of rain and depressing gray sky.

But there's this one thing that has been coming back to me again and again ever since I spotted it during one of the sessions at Expedition, our InterVarsity Upstate NY Fall Conference.  I was in the Map & Compass Track, where students were equipped with tools and skills to dig deep into God's Word by studying the book of Jonah with the inductive, manuscript study style.  I noticed that even though Jonah went out of his way to flee God and go in the opposite direction of where God wanted to send him, God drew people to Himself.    God worked through Jonah's disobedience to bring the sailors on the ship Jonah was taking to flee the presence of the Lord came to faith in Him.

That's pretty amazing, especially to a young woman like myself who tries so hard to "do the right thing" and go in the "right" direction.  It's a deep, freeing reminder of how God is in the business of drawing people to Himself in His time and His way and that it doesn't rest alone on my own abilities or power.

I'm realizing I need to spend some time reflecting deeply on the vision I have for RIT's campus and its students.  I'm not as excited as I once was because the vision I once had is leaking and getting fuzzy.  I need to practice some self-leadership and do well to uncover and steward the vision God graciously offers me for the sake of the gospel.

If I don't cultivate the vision for myself and for others, how can I expect my student leaders to do the same?