Who or what defines your purpose?

I do not know what my ultimate purpose is in life.  Believe me, though, when I tell you that I certainly have not been sitting around doing nothing to try and figure out what it is.

I imagine this journey began in elementary school in subtle ways, but when I think about when my active pursuit of my ultimate purpose began, I'd say it probably started around middle school and high school.

Middle school was a pivotal transitional period for me as God began turning my world upside down from my sheltered elementary school life, and as I began to be curious about this God who wanted a personal relationship with me, not just a girl who obediently showed up at church every week to learn about the Bible and participate in a broader community.

High school was a period where I started putting the things I was learning about following Jesus into practice, recognizing my own shortcomings, and experimenting with spiritual disciplines to help me grow into whatever kind of person God wanted me to be.  But this also became a difficult period where I began to build a duplicitous identity around my perfectionistic and legalistic tendencies, insecurities around my weaknesses in the face of others, denial of self-righteousness, and placing my worth in how busy I was or how I could push through my unhealthy patterns of overworking.

It also didn't help that I never saw myself as one who had a particularly strong passion around one skill, hobby, or interest throughout my whole life.  So I always worked hard at everything I thought was important and committed myself to, but felt like I was always short-changed of greatness because I only ended up being average or just above average in a lot of things as opposed to one thing.  I somehow believed the paradigm that in order to be great and fulfill my ultimate purpose in the world, I needed to find my passion around one thing and do all that I could to master it.

I carried this paradigm with me through college, even as God began to push the expand the boundaries of my world even further and as He empowered me to begin to break down the unhealthy duplicitous identity I had created for myself.

It was only within the last year or two that God got my attention in presenting a different paradigm to me.  My spiritual director asked me the question, Why are you so fixated on the idea that in order to be great, you need to be passionate about just one thing?  What if you have been given passion around many interests, gifts, talents, and skills that God wants you to share all of them with others?'

It had never occurred to me to think about passion this way, or to see this as a valid way of thinking about my calling, vocation, or purpose.  I've been wrestling with it ever since.

I bring up this topic because I had the chance to introduce our Friday night meeting (aka Large Group) series on purpose at RIT, and it seemed like God was inviting me to introduce this topic to students by sharing a little glimpse of my journey so far and the things I have been learning and wrestling with recently about my own purpose in life.

The main thing that arose for me in preparation was the idea of how our purpose is so closely tied to our identity.  InterVarsity has a vision and a purpose, and I used the common definitions of distinguishing these two terms to establish the grounds for what exploring our purpose could look like.  I define our purpose as an explanation of 'why we exist,' and our vision as 'what success looks like if we live out our purpose.'

Since I define 'purpose' as, 'why we exist,' it exemplifies how closely our purpose is tied with our identity, and so in looking for our individual 'purpose' in life, we need to ask ourselves:  "Who or what defines our sense of purpose?"  Or another way to phrase it is: "Where does our sense of purpose come from?"  That is what I wanted students to walk away with.

I wanted the Christians in the room to really assess if the way they were living their life reflected their purpose of loving God and loving people, or if their life was being driven by some other temptation that the world offers (e.g. power, money, relationships/sex, approval, fear of something).  And I wanted those who would not consider themselves followers of Jesus to assess where their source of purpose seemed to be leading them.

I still do not know what my ultimate purpose is in life.  But I'm growing more and more at peace with the idea that I may never know, and that I shouldn't spend a ton of emotional, mental, or physical energy being worried about that.  My purpose is to love God and love people and to put my efforts and energy towards figuring out what that means for me as a uniquely made human being who is beautifully made in the image of God Himself.  I need to familiarize myself with hearing the voice of God and obeying Him, and that, my friends, takes enough energy in and of itself.

--From "The Living Reminder" by Henri J. M. Nouwen

The minister, as a living memory of God's great deeds in history, is called to heal by reminding people of their wounded past and by connecting their wounds with the wounds of all humanity, redeemed by the suffering of God in Christ.

But what are the implications of such a viewpoint for the personal life of the minister? 

The temptation is strong to ask the "how" question:  "How do I become a living memory of God; how do I accept and connect; how do I lift up the individual story into the divine history?"  These questions are temptations insofar as they avoid the more basic question:  "Who am I as a living memory of God?" 

The main question indeed is not a question of doing, but a question of being.  When we speak about the minister as a living reminder of God, we are not speaking about a technical specific tool, techniques, and skills, but about a way of being which embraces the totality of life:  working and resting, eating and drinking, praying and playing, acting and waiting.  Before any professional skill, we need a spirituality, a way of living in the spirit by which all we are and all we do becomes a form of reminding. 

One way to express this is to say that in order to be a living reminder of the Lord, we must walk in his presence as Abraham did.  To walk in the presence of the Lord means to move forward in life in such a way that all our desires, thoughts, and actions are constantly guided by him.  When we walk in the Lord's presence, everything we see, hear, touch, or taste reminds us of him.  This is what is meant by a prayerful life.  It is not a life in which we say many prayers, but a life in which nothing, absolutely nothing, is done, said, or understood independently of him who is the origin and purpose of our existence.

Who will go? Who will go?

"I'm too busy."
"I need to step down from leadership."
"I don't have time."
"She has a crazy packed semester."
"I broke down twice this week because I'm so stressed."

These are just a few of the phrases I've heard way too many times in way too many different forms this semester.

Now, I understand that even the hardest-working, most organized folks can have a lot on their plate.  Believe me, as a recovering perfectionist who is often tempted to place her worth in what she produces instead of God, I know what it's like.  Of course, I definitely value and support students being diligent in their academics and well-rounded in their activities outside of school as well.  In fact, I believe because God is Lord over all creation and made us in His image as humans who create, build, analyze, and imagine, we should be impelled to learn about His creation and His work as much as possible.

At the same time, the fact that so many students say this worries me.  One reason is because even though all of the above phrases seem similar, they can actually be interpreted in a few different ways:

A) "I don't know how to manage my time well, and so I actually end up wasting a lot of it and try to get by with doing the minimum."

B) "I am saying yes to everything and have taken on more commitments than is humanly possible."

C) "I don't know how to work diligently and then trust the Lord as I rest," or, "I don't make resting as a priority."

D)  "I actually just don't like the changes that have been made or InterVarsity just doesn't meet my needs anymore, so I just don't want to come anymore but don't want to say that directly to your face in case it hurts your feelings."

Or, it could actually indicate that this student really does have a significant amount of work that even if you cut everything unnecessary out, would still take up a lot of time.  But it's hard to differentiate between these students and the ones listed above, because they can all be expressed the same way.

The other reason why this worries me is because the resulting consequences often means two things:

1) All of the students who are committed to serving, manage their time well, and don't over-commit end up getting burnt out because now they're taking on what others do not step in to do.

2) It's usually an indicator that students are more focused on structures, tasks, and their own wants that they have lost sight of the vision and/or lost sight of who God is and what His purposes in the world are.

I believe these are two seemingly innocent but dangerous things that the Enemy uses to paralyze students from participating in the great work God is doing on campus.

Right now, less than 1% of RIT's campus is being reached by all of the Christian groups combined.  That means there are still thousands of RIT students who potentially have not heard the good news Jesus brings.  The question that keeps popping into my head is, if the Christ-following students will not go, who will?

Ambition is the name of the InterVarisity conference Nathan is currently attending in Florida.  It's for both staff and students who desire to learn more about planting ministries.  I'm kind of bummed I decided not to go, but I figured it's probably also good that I'm not traveling anymore after the craziness of this last month.

But I'm still very excited for Nathan and all of my other friends and colleagues who are attending.  I'm praying and hoping that God will peel away any distractions and soften any hardened hearts so that they can be ready to receive a Word from Him.  I'm hoping it'll instill a renewed fervor to reach the lost and participate in the work God has invited them into.  I'm praying that the speakers, conversations, seminars, and environment will be helpful and significant for moving God's mission forward.  I'm hoping God will bless them with courage despite fears or hesitations they may have about the planting work God is sending them to.

While I'm here back in Rochester, I've been thinking about my own 'ambitions' in this ministry.    

ambition

noun

1.

an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor,  fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment:

Too much ambition caused him to be disliked by his colleagues.

2.

the object, state, or result desired or sought after:

The crown was his ambition.

3.

desire for work or activity; energy:

I awoke feeling tired and utterly lacking in ambition.

What am I striving for?  Yeah, I can quote InterVarsity's vision statement in my sleep, and I know the components of our purpose statement.  I know it all in my head.  But is it truly what I'm seeking after?  What does that look like?

When I think about it, I think it's easy for me to get caught up in the circumstances.  I'll start off with good intentions to participate in the work God has called me to, and then when things don't go the way I expect them to, or I don't know what to do, I start striving towards getting back to solid ground or even just getting the minimum done to survive the day.

Nathan and I have been going through Joshua in our personal studies.  These verses have been weighing on me:

Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you.  I will not leave you or forsake you.  Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them.

It's helpful to be reminded of God's presence and his exhortation of courage out of the confidence that God does not turn back on His promises.  It reminds me that God has definitely called me to this ministry at this time, and He does not turn back on His promise to be with me in answering this call.

I pray for and with my friends and colleagues at Ambition for the very same strength, courage, and presence as we encounter the Lord in these next few days and as they return with all that God has given them to bless others.

Blessing to the nations.

I'm reading, The Mission of God's People:  A Biblical Theology of The Church's Mission, by Christopher J. H. Wright.

This is an excerpt from page 72:

Election is not the rejection of the rest, but ultimately for their benefit.  It is as if a group of trapped cave explorers choose one of their number to squeeze through a narrow flooded passage to get out to the surface and call for help.  The point of the choice is not so that she alone gets saved, but that she is able to bring help and equipment to ensure the rest get rescued.  "Election" in such a case is an instrumental choice of one for the sake of many.

In the same way, God's election of Israel is instrumental in God's mission for all nations.  Election needs to be seen as a doctrine of mission, not a calculus for the arithmetic of salvation.  If we are to speak of being chosen, of being among God's elect, it is to say that, like Abraham, we are chosen for the sake of God's plan that the nations of the world come to enjoy the blessing of Abraham (which is exactly how Paul describes the effect of God's redemption of Israel through Christ in Gal. 3:14).

Reading this book has been a slow-going process (because I read slow, not because of the content), but it's constantly reminding me of why I'm doing what I'm doing and all the things I'm trying to remind or instill in students at RIT.

Our mission is to be a blessing to the nations, not to bring comfort to ourselves.

Washing students' feet.

John 13:1-6 The Message (MSG)

Washing His Disciples’ Feet

13 ^1-2 Just before the Passover Feast, Jesus knew that the time had come to leave this world to go to the Father. Having loved his dear companions, he continued to love them right to the end. It was suppertime. The Devil by now had Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot, firmly in his grip, all set for the betrayal.

^3-6 Jesus knew that the Father had put him in complete charge of everything, that he came from God and was on his way back to God. So he got up from the supper table, set aside his robe, and put on an apron. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of the disciples, drying them with his apron. When he got to Simon Peter, Peter said, “Master, you wash my feet?”

Earlier this week, I attended our Upstate Team Meetings, a semesterly spiritual formation retreat with the northern half of our NY/NJ region.  During one of the days there, we studied this passage (John 13) together. 

(Yes, it's the Message version.  You're not reading the link wrong.  A rare happenstance in InterVarsity, I know.  Don't worry, we still encountered the Lord.)

One of the big things that stood out to me was the fact that Jesus' identity and authority were not dependent on whether or not the disciples understood what he was saying or doing.  He knew His relationship to God and the authority He had been given to carry out His mission.

This didn't change when Peter clearly didn't understand what Jesus was doing, nor seemed patient enough to wait to understand later.  His identity and authority from God didn't change when Judas betrayed Him.  Jesus continued to love and serve them.  He pressed forward into the tension and confusion.  He didn't compromise his actions.  His authority didn't diminish with the disciples' comments or actions. 

This made me think about two things:

1. While I hunger for a deep sense of joy and compassion for this ministry at RIT, I wonder how much of my lack in those areas is tied to my belief that my authority is determined by how well people understand what I am doing.  It's a belief I know in my head isn't true, but I certainly act on it more than on the truth that my identity and spiritual authority come from Jesus.
   
2. What would it look like to 'wash the feet' of RIT students?  How can I serve them in such a way that would point them to the love of Jesus?

They are still things I am pondering over.  Would you pray with me as I continue to reflect on these thoughts and bring them to Jesus?

Awkward Jesus.

If I only ever did what was comfortable in my life, I'd never get past getting out of bed.  I like my bed.  It's extremely comfortable.  I rarely want to leave my cozy fluffy blanket and hunky husband in the morning, as much as I prefer mornings over evenings.

But I follow a Jesus who stood in the front lines of doing pretty uncomfortable things.  He invited not so special people to follow him that everyone else would have overlooked.  He shared meals with the unpopular, uncool, low-class people of his time.  He touched the untouchables.  He told people what to do, even though they hadn't met or interacted with each other before.  He broke the common cultural rules.  I mean, he even claimed to be the Messiah whom the Israelites have been waiting for for thousands of years?!

Talk about awkward.  I'm squirming in my seat just thinking about doing equivalent things today.

But if I claim to follow Jesus, then my actions need to reflect that belief.  That means talking to new people who don't know Jesus when I don't feel like it.  That means listening well and not getting defensive when students unhelpfully criticize our ministry.  That means confronting conflict, not avoiding it.  That means showing up on campus when I don't want to go.  That means being open and honest with students about how I'm doing and what I'm feeling when it would be easy to fake it.

Pray that RIT students and I wouldn't get stuck in the comfortable.

Something for me and my students to reflect upon.

The spiritual life is not a life before, after, or beyond our everyday existence.  No, the spiritual life can only be real when it is lived in the midst of the pains and joys of the here and now.  Therefore we need to begin with a careful look at the way we think, speak, feel, and act from hour to hour, day to day, week to week, and year to year, in order to become more fully aware of our hunger for the Spirit.  As long as we have only a vague inner feeling of discontent with our present way of living, and only an indefinite desire for "things spiritual," our lives will continue to stagnate in a generalized melancholy.  We often say, "I am not very happy.  I am not content with the way my life is going.  I am not really joyful or peaceful, but I just don't know how things can be different, and I guess I have to be realistic and accept my life as it is."  It is this mood of resignation that prevents us from actively searching for the life of the Spirit.

Our first task is to dispel the vague, murky feeling of discontent and to look critically at how we are living our lives.  This requires honesty, courage, and trust.  We must honestly unmask and courageously confront our many self-deceptive games.  We must trust that our honesty and courage will lead us not to despair, but to a new heaven and a new earth. 

--from Making All Things New by Henri Nouwen

A staff worker's response to student complaints.

Okay, Tammy, here are some examples of issues students have brought up to you this week.  Let's work on how you should respond.  

'Tammy, InterVarsity is not feeding me spiritually.'
'Tammy, you're going to lose these people if you don't personally invite them to participate or involve them in what's going on.'
'Tammy, I don't think the leaders are doing a very good job.'

How to respond to criticisms from students:

Step #1:  Repeat after me:  do not take it personally.  Repeat that over and over and over in your head.  Just because they've said your name or they're talking specifically to you, doesn't necessarily mean you're to blame or that it's an issue you have to take on alone head on.

Step #2:  Listen carefully.  Ask clarifying questions.  Dig deeper to find the core value beneath the complaint. The fact that they're talking to you and bringing it up in the first place indicates that there's some kind of significance or truth. 

Step #3:  Find out what the student has done so far to try and address this complaint personally.  Remind them that they are InterVarsity, not you, the staff worker.  The community is only as good as those who are willing to do something about it. 

Step #4:  Pray.  Ask the Lord to fill you with compassion.  Thank Him for the students' honesty and willingness to come to you with their thoughts and feelings in the first place.  Ask the Lord to help you be mindful of these needs but not let them become burdens that prevent you from working towards bringing God's kingdom to campus.

Fresh perspective.

There are many ways I like to pray, but prayer walking is not one of them.

You'd think because of my sensory preferences of information gathering and tendency towards the kinesthetic learning style, that I'd enjoy it very much.  Walking, going, and being at the locations of sources of prayer seem like it'd spark a lot of creative and interesting ways to pray as opposed to sitting in a circle in a room with people holding hands.

And it's true.

I've discovered that it's prayer walking in groups that I don't like.  The prayer walks I've experienced in groups involved confusion around where to walk or which way to walk; the awkwardness of praying out loud so that the people you pass along the way give you strange looks; and not being able to hear someone's prayer, just for a few examples.

God finally nudged me hard enough to take a prayer walk on campus that I had been putting off all summer.

Fine, I said, but I'm going by myself.

And God replied, When did I say you had to go with anyone?  I simply said to go.

Oh.  I guess that's right.

So I went.

God's big nudge had come at a time where I was really frustrated with students for not doing things excellently, with myself for not being able to coach them or lead them well, and with the lack of fruit I was expecting and hoping to see after a few years of hard work.  I was at a breaking point, and knew I needed to do something to empty me of myself and be filled with compassion for RIT.

I committed an hour of my time on campus.  I simply wandered around a part of campus, stopping every once in a while to write down what I observed and what I heard.  Towards the end of that hour I used the contents of this list as springboards for prayer. 

I've only done this prayer walk once so far.  It wasn't an earth-shattering event, but it felt like it was groundbreaking for my hardening heart.  There were no evangelistic moments or divine appointments, but my obedience out of the desire to meet with the Lord created a shift in my posture.  There were no revelations or inspired images, but there were small, new discoveries of things I thought I knew.

Like bubble tea in The Market.  Or that there's a second floor of Global Village where the Study Abroad office is.

God's nudging was for me to do this on a weekly basis, so I'm hoping to get into the habit of spending an hour each week for this kind of prayer walk, exploring a different part of campus.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Commanding voice.

By the time I was a senior in high school, I was a commander - a captain, in fact - in the JROTC program in my high school.  I participated in the JROTC program for all four years at Francis Lewis.  Not too many of my college peers, nor my current IV students, or even fellow IV staff, know about this little fun fact.  And for those who do know, I wouldn't be surprised if they have a hard time picturing me in it.

Maybe they have a hard time picturing me giving out orders.  I don't think I give off a typical Army-like vibe most people would have in mind.

Or maybe it's the idea of me in an army uniform?

Well, believe it or not, I did it.  And while I did my best to be a good leader and not abuse my power, I did enjoy being in charge.  Part of being in charge meant sometimes giving commands to cadets, and giving commands meant using what we called our 'commanding voice.'

I felt like an entirely different person using my commanding voice.  Most of the time I felt confident because I knew what I needed and wanted to do to lead those cadets well.  I felt brimmed over with authority because it didn't make me a bossy person and this was the position and responsibility I had been given to steward.   I also knew many of them wanted to follow me.  I appreciated their encouragement and respect, and was humbled by their desire to learn and grow.

As a staff worker, I have not yet found my commanding voice.

While I am confident about God's call on my life and am clear about the mission He has given us as an InterVarsity chapter, my temptation is to doubt the spiritual authority God has given me to lead His people.  While I know I have that spiritual authority in my head, I don't always feel it in my bones.  More often than not I step 10 feet out of my comfort zone when I lead RIT students, and with continuously seeing how far we need to go, it's hard to feel confident that my leadership is effective, or that I have any spiritual power to do anything helpful.

What I am confident about is my trust in the power God has to work in me and through me despite my doubts.  There's still time to learn how to embody the spiritual authority God has given me in the work I have been entrusted with.

Faithfulness, abundance, and generosity.

If there's one thing ministry partner development (MPD) through InterVarsity has taught me, it's that fund raising is not simply a money transaction, it's the opportunity to develop a relationship.

Raising funds was never really a big, scary thing for me.  I think that's probably really strange to most people, particularly as an Asian American woman.  But when I think about the kind of environment I grew up in and how I responded to my circumstances, it makes sense. 

My dad was a pastor of a small English congregation in a Chinese Alliance church for the first 10 or so years of my life, and then went full time into directing a non-profit para-church organization, continuing to this day.  My mom was a stay at home mom (which I loved and am so grateful for), and so my family didn't exactly have a stable income or the nicest of things.

But in the midst of how different my family's lifestyle seemed to be in comparison to others, we never had to worry - we always had just what we needed and then some.  We swam in a vast ocean deep with grace, generosity, and provisions every single day.

God often expressed His faithfulness, abundance, and generosity in our family through the love of my parents and my community. Whether it was through tangible materials, opened homes, or the occasional unique life experience, it was all rooted in relationships our family had with others.

Now that I think about it, I don't think it's a big surprise that ministry partnership is not just about transacting funds.  The primary ways I've experienced and witnessed God's faithfulness, abundance, and generosity has been through the context of relationships with others.  In fact, I would even say that the very foundations of my childhood are based on them.

I guess as a child I was more often at the receiving end of what these beautiful relationships between my family and others developed.  Now as a staff with InterVarsity, I'm learning how to develop, cultivate, and deepen my own relationships so that I may learn how to extend that same faithfulness, abundance, and generosity from the Lord to others.

Who will go?

As someone who has grown up in a Christian family, there's often a temptation to let certain verses or passages from the Bible that I've heard so many times to just slide over me like the way water slides over a dolphin's skin.

Sometimes I need to ask the Holy Spirit to help me fight that temptation and be intentional about re-examining, meditating on, or letting sink in what this specific part of His Word means for me in this season of life.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just lets it hit me like a ton of bricks; it often hurts.  Other times, it's a gentle light bulb turning on that connects my heart and my mind.

Jesus says to his disciples, "Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest" (John 4:35).

via

I've heard this verse, and the phrase, "The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few," many times in my life, but there's something about hearing it recently that has really stuck with me and started to sink in a bit more than before.

Our Regional Director sends everyone stories of what God is doing among campuses around the NY/NJ region, and that's mainly where this repetition of "The fields are ready for harvest," has come up.  And God has been using this word and these stories in a number of ways to challenge me:

Celebrate with my colleagues.  Maybe you don't really have this issue, but I realize that when I'm not trusting Jesus and am placing my identity in my work rather than God Himself, it's easy to be insecure, envious, or jealous of the fruit my colleagues are seeing in their students and among their campuses.  Over time, with intentionality, and empowered by the Holy Spirit, I've been challenged over and over again to trust and obey Him and place my identity in Him, not solely in the work I produce.  When I do so, I can experience the deep freedom and genuine joy of celebrating with my colleagues the fruit God has graciously given us the opportunity to partake in and witness.

Healthy discontentment.  That being said, instead of feeling resentment that I am not seeing the kind of fruit my co-workers are seeing, these stories and reminders that the harvest is plentiful create a desire for me to keep pushing forward and build upon a confidence that God is working on RIT's campus.  We cannot stay where we are.  

A sense of urgency.  I don't know about you, but when I hear, 'Lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest,' I don't hear Jesus saying, 'Hey, the fields are ripe!  That means it's time for you to kick back in your lounge chair and wear a pair of shades.  Here, have an exotic drink with a paper umbrella in it.  Just sit back and get ready to watch all of these ripe fruit pick themselves while you relax and be as comfortable as possible.'  I don't hear Jesus saying, 'You're right - let's keep this scarcity mentality until something worthwhile happens; there's no immediate work to be done, so you can wait a few months until all of the circumstances are perfect and your life is in order.'

I hear Jesus saying, 'There is more than enough fruit ready and they're ready now.  What are you waiting for?  The question is not When? or How? but Who?  Who will go, right here, right now, just as they are?  Will you?'

Witnessing communities love like Jesus.

"Being loved by Jesus makes you love like Jesus." --Brent Campbell, Staff Conference 2014

That's what I want to see happen on campus - students loving others on campus, in their families, among their communities, because of the love that Jesus has for them.

Counting the costs.

Believe it or not, InterVarsity staff workers, just like any missionary, can get discouraged.  And lately I've been discovering that when I am discouraged, it creates a vulnerable space where I pull out all the things I've sacrificed for this mission, list out each one before God, and complain to Him in this self-righteous, self-justifying tone, saying, "Look at everything I've given up to be here.  Why aren't things getting better?  Do you know how hard I'm working?"

It's terrible, I know.  But trust me, God's been pushing back.

There's a church that supports Nathan (which subsequently indirectly supports me) and hosts a missions weekend each year.  It's a whole affair where they work hard to invite all of the missionaries they support locally and globally together with the church to celebrate what God is doing.  It provides an opportunity for the church members to get to know the missionaries, learn about what God's doing through them, and for both church members and missionaries to encourage and exhort one another in roles we all have in Jesus' commission.  They have tons of food, activities, and even a whole flag ceremony.  Quite the shindig.

Well, it certainly was a notably encouraging experience for me.  People whom I had just met and barely knew wanted to talk to me and Nathan because they were curious about more specifics of what our job entailed or wanted to express genuine interest in praying for us specifically.  Others took the time to ask about what was going on and listen to the praises and struggles we were currently experiencing.  Still others went out of their way to make sure we knew that we could come to them for absolutely anything that we needed, whether it was specific prayer requests or ways to physically serve.  I felt so cared for and loved by these people who knew so little about me.  I was struck by the beauty of being connected through the body of Christ.

It was a message given by the keynote speaker for the weekend that particularly challenged me that weekend on a different note.  Norm Poehlke spoke about Matthew 13:44-46, which says:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

Norm unpacked verse 44, saying, "If finding treasure provokes a radical response and we have not made a radical response, then we have not found the treasure."  While this reminded me of the radical response I made in following Jesus to InterVarsity staff, it also reminded me that I found the treasure and that I needed to re-examine what that kingdom of heaven means to me now.

Then Norm continued, "So what's the pearl?  The Sunday School answer would be, 'Jesus,' right?"  We all chuckled.  "But that's not what the text says.  Jesus' death is not the pearl - it's the price he paid for the pearl."

It was as if God was saying to me, "I see everything you've given up.  I hear your cries and frustration.  But have you forgotten everything I've done for you?"

Finally, Norm left us with this challenge:  "Whose kingdom are we pursuing?  Are we saying, 'Jesus, come and sit on the throne of my life'?  Or are we answering Jesus' challenge to us to, 'Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me'?"

I think God has been saying, "Yes, Tammy, you've given up a lot of things to come and follow me.  But have you given up everything?  What are you still holding on to?"

Nom nom nom com.

It was the middle of my sophomore year when InterVarsity's Nomination Committee (Nom Com) invited me to serve on our Binghamton chapter's Exec Board as the Administrator for the 2009 calendar year.  I almost thought they were crazy.  Me?  Serve on E-board?  I saw my sister serve on E-board and knew how intense and how much commitment it would be to serve on the team, considering they had meetings that lasted two hours every week and got together for days on end to plan during the winter break.  And Administrator?  Really?  I didn't even know what the Administrator did.

It was risky for me.  I came into college as a very burnt out freshman; I had a track record of not being able to say no to anything, and served or led in everything I wanted to do or felt like I should do and didn't know how to rest well.  I was tired of leading and was wary of jumping back in.

At the same time, I didn't feel like I was qualified - I didn't know what was expected of me, I didn't know what my role would look like, I didn't know if I could live up to it all.  But I soon found out that being a leader in InterVarsity was a matter of saying 'yes' to Jesus and being humbly open to learn whatever Jesus wanted to teach me.

It's been 3 years since I've served my last term on E-board, and I am where I am because I chose to say 'yes' to Jesus at that time.  My leadership, visions and decisions in life are all influenced by my experience serving on E-board.  It was a hard but refining process that allowed me to fall on my face, get back up, sacrifice everything I knew, and take risks beyond my understanding, but it is an experience that drew me into a deeper dependence on God and opened my eyes to ways I was blind, and I believe that it was worth it all.

Now, as a staff worker sitting on the other side of the leader selection process, I'm excited to see what God will do in the lives of these students who are willing to say 'yes' to Him.  It's exciting because what it boils down to is not simply what abilities, vision capacity, or leadership skills they have that qualifies them for leadership.  It's exciting because leadership is about how much these students are willing to learn and sacrifice in order to follow Jesus, serve and love like Jesus, and empower others for mission like Jesus.   

And it's particularly exciting for me because Jesus invites me to be a part of the process of what He's doing in and through them.   

Go deep and cast the net wide.

Luke 5 is following me everywhere.  Well, not quite everywhere I guess.  But it's enough to get my attention.

Last Sunday, during our leadership meeting, two graduating seniors (and previous exec team leaders) from our chapter led a short manuscript, inductive Bible study of Luke 5.  They had studied the passage with the thousands of others at Urbana this year and wanted to cast vision to the core members and leaders of the chapter to take risks for the sake of the gospel.

It was clear that in the same way Jesus was calling Simon to follow Him, Jesus was calling us as a chapter to "put out into the deep" and "let down our nets."  Casting fishing nets in the deep part of the lake in the morning after fishing all night and catching nothing?  Come on, Jesus, seriously?  Apparently, Jesus was being serious.  He was calling Simon the same way He is calling us now to take risks of faith for Christ even when it may seem ridiculous at times.  He was calling Simon the way He is calling us now to reach out even when we've come up empty before.  He was calling Simon the way He is calling us now to take action when we're tired and have already started washing our nets.

The questions that lingered with our chapter were:  what risks do we need to take?  What will it cost?  What do we need to leave behind?  Where do we need to cast our nets?

The questions weren't quite answered that night.  Maybe for some individuals, but not quite as a whole.  It was exciting, though, to see how the following Sunday's meeting began connecting those loose ends.  By using Tootsie roll candies as a visual for the students on campus that we are called to reach, a couple of our current Servant Team (exec team) leaders gave us a bigger picture and cast the vision for our spring quarter New Student Outreach (NSO) events.

This is it - this is where Jesus is calling us to put out into the deep and let down our nets.  Our RIT chapter needs to invite everyone - friends, professors, students they don't know - to NSO and follow up with them, not just so we could have a lot of people at our events, but so that we could invite them to meet this Jesus who has so transformed our lives.  We need to invite whoever we can because we don't know whom Jesus is inviting to say 'yes' to Him.  If we're expecting a 75% rejection rate, we need to sow more seeds.  We need to cast our nets wide.  We need to go where everything's a lot less familiar, a lot less comfortable, a lot more uncertain of the outcome.  We need to go to the deep.

The next day after the first leadership meeting where we studied the Luke 5 passage, I went to a nearby retreat center to spiritually re-calibrate my vocation with the Lord.  At the midpoint of my retreat when I sat down for lunch, there was a little calendar that had Bible verses and a little devotional thought for each day.  Lo and behold, here's what it said:

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.  But because you say so, I will let down the nets."  When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.  --Luke 5:5-6

We're tempted to haul in our nets, grumble, and go home until hearing the invitation, "head to deeper water and see what you can do there."

My, my.  How indeed the Lord calls us personally and communally into deeper water - inviting us to trust Him more and more.

40 Days of Prayer: Day 1

We launched our 40-day prayer campaign yesterday and the theme our Regional Spiritual Formation Director sent us was about good soil, from the parable in the book of Mark.

It reminded me of a talk Bill Hybels gave at this year's Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit which I attended earlier in the month.  He mentioned the same parable, but from the book of Luke, and talked about something he had noticed when he read it, even though he had read it many times before.

He noticed that there was a 75% rejection rate.  Three out of the four types of soil rejected the seeds that were sown.  Hybels pointed out, though, that it would be really easy for us to grumble about the rejection.  However, "instead of complaining about how few trees have grown," he said, "we should spend more time planting more seeds...different kinds of seeds."

Plant more seeds.  That's something that stuck with me since the Summit.  To me that's a call to make more invitations.  Often I and many others get lost in the insecurities and fears of inviting people more than once - let alone once - to meet Jesus.  We make it all about us, our reputation and how we feel and let rejection stop us from reaping the harvest that is plentiful.

Plant more seeds.  I also think it's a call to be creative.  You know that quote that says, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results?"  Sometimes we need to change the input if we want the output to be different.  So it calls for us to think outside the box, discover our gifts and passions, and diligently steward those gifts with commitment and discipline.  We need to explore new paths and try new methods with the expectation that there is a good possibility we may fail.  Our success is defined differently than the world's.  We are called to obey.  We are called to be faithful.

Plant more seeds.  I think it's a call to pray.  We need to listen for where God is leading.  I am not inherently faithful, and obedience is not always easy, and sometimes it takes a lot of discipline to be creative.  None of this seed sowing should be on our own or by our own power.  We need to abide in Jesus.

Why?  Because the trees that come from planted seeds that grow in good soil - lives that are transformed by the living God of the gospel - are worth it all.