Counting the costs.

Believe it or not, InterVarsity staff workers, just like any missionary, can get discouraged.  And lately I've been discovering that when I am discouraged, it creates a vulnerable space where I pull out all the things I've sacrificed for this mission, list out each one before God, and complain to Him in this self-righteous, self-justifying tone, saying, "Look at everything I've given up to be here.  Why aren't things getting better?  Do you know how hard I'm working?"

It's terrible, I know.  But trust me, God's been pushing back.

There's a church that supports Nathan (which subsequently indirectly supports me) and hosts a missions weekend each year.  It's a whole affair where they work hard to invite all of the missionaries they support locally and globally together with the church to celebrate what God is doing.  It provides an opportunity for the church members to get to know the missionaries, learn about what God's doing through them, and for both church members and missionaries to encourage and exhort one another in roles we all have in Jesus' commission.  They have tons of food, activities, and even a whole flag ceremony.  Quite the shindig.

Well, it certainly was a notably encouraging experience for me.  People whom I had just met and barely knew wanted to talk to me and Nathan because they were curious about more specifics of what our job entailed or wanted to express genuine interest in praying for us specifically.  Others took the time to ask about what was going on and listen to the praises and struggles we were currently experiencing.  Still others went out of their way to make sure we knew that we could come to them for absolutely anything that we needed, whether it was specific prayer requests or ways to physically serve.  I felt so cared for and loved by these people who knew so little about me.  I was struck by the beauty of being connected through the body of Christ.

It was a message given by the keynote speaker for the weekend that particularly challenged me that weekend on a different note.  Norm Poehlke spoke about Matthew 13:44-46, which says:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

Norm unpacked verse 44, saying, "If finding treasure provokes a radical response and we have not made a radical response, then we have not found the treasure."  While this reminded me of the radical response I made in following Jesus to InterVarsity staff, it also reminded me that I found the treasure and that I needed to re-examine what that kingdom of heaven means to me now.

Then Norm continued, "So what's the pearl?  The Sunday School answer would be, 'Jesus,' right?"  We all chuckled.  "But that's not what the text says.  Jesus' death is not the pearl - it's the price he paid for the pearl."

It was as if God was saying to me, "I see everything you've given up.  I hear your cries and frustration.  But have you forgotten everything I've done for you?"

Finally, Norm left us with this challenge:  "Whose kingdom are we pursuing?  Are we saying, 'Jesus, come and sit on the throne of my life'?  Or are we answering Jesus' challenge to us to, 'Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me'?"

I think God has been saying, "Yes, Tammy, you've given up a lot of things to come and follow me.  But have you given up everything?  What are you still holding on to?"