Commanding voice.

By the time I was a senior in high school, I was a commander - a captain, in fact - in the JROTC program in my high school.  I participated in the JROTC program for all four years at Francis Lewis.  Not too many of my college peers, nor my current IV students, or even fellow IV staff, know about this little fun fact.  And for those who do know, I wouldn't be surprised if they have a hard time picturing me in it.

Maybe they have a hard time picturing me giving out orders.  I don't think I give off a typical Army-like vibe most people would have in mind.

Or maybe it's the idea of me in an army uniform?

Well, believe it or not, I did it.  And while I did my best to be a good leader and not abuse my power, I did enjoy being in charge.  Part of being in charge meant sometimes giving commands to cadets, and giving commands meant using what we called our 'commanding voice.'

I felt like an entirely different person using my commanding voice.  Most of the time I felt confident because I knew what I needed and wanted to do to lead those cadets well.  I felt brimmed over with authority because it didn't make me a bossy person and this was the position and responsibility I had been given to steward.   I also knew many of them wanted to follow me.  I appreciated their encouragement and respect, and was humbled by their desire to learn and grow.

As a staff worker, I have not yet found my commanding voice.

While I am confident about God's call on my life and am clear about the mission He has given us as an InterVarsity chapter, my temptation is to doubt the spiritual authority God has given me to lead His people.  While I know I have that spiritual authority in my head, I don't always feel it in my bones.  More often than not I step 10 feet out of my comfort zone when I lead RIT students, and with continuously seeing how far we need to go, it's hard to feel confident that my leadership is effective, or that I have any spiritual power to do anything helpful.

What I am confident about is my trust in the power God has to work in me and through me despite my doubts.  There's still time to learn how to embody the spiritual authority God has given me in the work I have been entrusted with.