Counting the costs.

Believe it or not, InterVarsity staff workers, just like any missionary, can get discouraged.  And lately I've been discovering that when I am discouraged, it creates a vulnerable space where I pull out all the things I've sacrificed for this mission, list out each one before God, and complain to Him in this self-righteous, self-justifying tone, saying, "Look at everything I've given up to be here.  Why aren't things getting better?  Do you know how hard I'm working?"

It's terrible, I know.  But trust me, God's been pushing back.

There's a church that supports Nathan (which subsequently indirectly supports me) and hosts a missions weekend each year.  It's a whole affair where they work hard to invite all of the missionaries they support locally and globally together with the church to celebrate what God is doing.  It provides an opportunity for the church members to get to know the missionaries, learn about what God's doing through them, and for both church members and missionaries to encourage and exhort one another in roles we all have in Jesus' commission.  They have tons of food, activities, and even a whole flag ceremony.  Quite the shindig.

Well, it certainly was a notably encouraging experience for me.  People whom I had just met and barely knew wanted to talk to me and Nathan because they were curious about more specifics of what our job entailed or wanted to express genuine interest in praying for us specifically.  Others took the time to ask about what was going on and listen to the praises and struggles we were currently experiencing.  Still others went out of their way to make sure we knew that we could come to them for absolutely anything that we needed, whether it was specific prayer requests or ways to physically serve.  I felt so cared for and loved by these people who knew so little about me.  I was struck by the beauty of being connected through the body of Christ.

It was a message given by the keynote speaker for the weekend that particularly challenged me that weekend on a different note.  Norm Poehlke spoke about Matthew 13:44-46, which says:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

Norm unpacked verse 44, saying, "If finding treasure provokes a radical response and we have not made a radical response, then we have not found the treasure."  While this reminded me of the radical response I made in following Jesus to InterVarsity staff, it also reminded me that I found the treasure and that I needed to re-examine what that kingdom of heaven means to me now.

Then Norm continued, "So what's the pearl?  The Sunday School answer would be, 'Jesus,' right?"  We all chuckled.  "But that's not what the text says.  Jesus' death is not the pearl - it's the price he paid for the pearl."

It was as if God was saying to me, "I see everything you've given up.  I hear your cries and frustration.  But have you forgotten everything I've done for you?"

Finally, Norm left us with this challenge:  "Whose kingdom are we pursuing?  Are we saying, 'Jesus, come and sit on the throne of my life'?  Or are we answering Jesus' challenge to us to, 'Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me'?"

I think God has been saying, "Yes, Tammy, you've given up a lot of things to come and follow me.  But have you given up everything?  What are you still holding on to?"

Perfection vs. Excellence.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  While everyone, to some extent, desires for control over their whole life, I am definitely one who has a tendency to fight for more of that control than others, or at least get extremely frustrated and disappointed if things don't go the way I picture them.  Combine that with a deep desire to help everyone, please everyone, and a detail-oriented personality who loves to plan events, and I can easily become a mess of a crazy woman.  But after my college experience with God doing a lot of work in my life, I'd say I definitely am in a much better place now.

The week leading up to Vision Night last Friday was definitely a test of that progress, to say the least.  Even with months of planning ahead of time, we still ended up being short-staffed, miscommunicating, and changing things last minute.  And on top of that, I was experiencing other unexpected personal and ministry-related obligations.

There were many times where it would've been easy for me to get frustrated or worry, but I didn't.  And there were some moments where I regrettably gave in to the temptation.  But as I reflect on the night, God definitely met me where I was and reminded me that He was in control:

1. First of all, 122 students showed up from all over the Rochester Area.  We were expecting 100 as a max, though were probably realistically thinking it would be less.  Praise the Lord!
2. Five University of Rochester students came!  For a chapter plant that has been struggling to get students to commit and participate in activities, this was a huge success.  It was a joy to have them join in on what God was doing throughout the Rochester Area.
3. Overall, once the night got started, things went pretty smoothly.  There were no major hiccups or large schedule changes.
4. During one of my anxious moments (that I didn't really have to be anxious about), one of my own students was there to say that everything was going to be okay.  And it was.
5. Working on the poster boards and plans was fun.  It reminded me of how much I love being behind the scenes, developing creative spaces for people to encounter the living God and respond to the love, grace, and mercy God extends to us.  It also reminded me of how much I appreciated the staff workers who did the same for me as a student.

When I thought about this week I was reminded of a text I sent to one of my student leaders just a few weeks ago, which said, "Don't forget, we're striving for excellence, not perfection."  When I thought about the difference between the two, it seemed like it was a very fine line.  So how can I make sure I'm actually striving for excellence and not perfection?

Looking up the definitions of the two words seemed to clarify the differences:

per·fect

  [adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfectgentleman.

2.

excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: There is no perfect legal code. Theproportions of this temple are almost perfect.

3.

exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose: a perfect actor to play Mr.Micawber; a perfect saw for cutting out keyholes.

4.

entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.

5.

accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.

ex·cel·lent

  [ek-suh-luhnt]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

possessing outstanding quality or superior merit; remarkably good.

2.

Archaic. extraordinary; superior.

It seems like for perfection, they use words like 'ideal,' 'exact,' 'correct,' and 'flawless.'   There's a mold to fit with rules to abide by, and anything less than that falls short.  With excellence, it seems like you're shooting for 'above average,' and caring more about the quality than working towards exact dimensions.  It seems like for perfection, there's one answer, and one answer only; for excellence, there are many possibilities and room for growth.  With perfection, there's temptation to take extreme control over things out of your control; with excellence, there are opportunities to fail and learn.  There's bondage in perfection; there's freedom in excellence.

With that in mind, I think Vision Night was done excellently - it was an improvement from the year before, and there are ways we can increase the quality for next time.  And hopefully, I'll remember the difference between perfection and excellence in whatever ways I serve the Lord.

It's time to be strong and courageous.

I am not the kind of person you mistakenly label as a 'social butterfly.'  I tend to be quiet.  I usually prefer to process my thoughts inside my brain and be careful about the words I say before they come out of my mouth.  My energy tends to drain easily just by being around a bunch of people I don't know.  It's draining because meeting new people typically requires you to start with small talk, but I don't really care as much about the weather or what you studied or did for work today as I care about wanting to go deeper and learning your hopes, dreams, struggles, and opinions (which doesn't usually happen when you first meet someone).    

So when it comes to New Student Outreach events, where, as a staff worker, I'm trying to model for and mobilize my college students to reach out and talk to other college students who are new to campus and new to our group, you can imagine how difficult it may be for me.  A room full of strangers infested with small talk and the innate social demand for me to process my thoughts quickly so as to avoid awkward silences?  Not an ideal environment for me to thrive in.

But just as God and Moses and the Israelites call Joshua to be strong and courageous over and over and over again, God calls us to be strong and courageous to lead God's people into the kingdom of God.  God's mission is bigger than I or my discomfort could ever be.  

While I could have sat on the sidelines and leave all the mingling up to my students, I've pushed through my fears and discomfort and introduced myself to new people.  I've learned not to wait for the ideal opportunity - I need to ask for strength and courage from the Lord to take every opportunity I get and try to turn each one into the ideal.  I know that if I don't put myself out there to meet new people, then I am either denying myself the opportunity to partner with God in what He is doing in other people, and/or I'm denying other people the opportunity to hear about who Jesus is and why InterVarsity exists on campus.

So as the start of the year has been officially kicked off, I'm sure in addition to meeting new people, other fears and discomforts will surface when it comes to engaging in God's mission on campus or in my neighborhood.  But when it comes time to make a decision about how I will respond, the question I'm going to have to ask myself again and again will be:  am I going to let my fear and discomfort dictate my behavior, or will my faith in God's love and mission define the decisions on how I live my life?